born to gaze into night skies
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "anya" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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11:13 am
[Link] | there are no words to express the deep shit i'm in right now.
i would like to do the last 3.5 years over so that i wouldn't be in immense debt with a crappy part-time retail job and no other real prospects. after october rent is paid, i might have to ask my parents to start bankrolling me. i'm deeply grateful to have the option, but they've bailed me out way more than enough as it is. it's hard not to feel FAIL about everything.
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02:30 pm
[Link] |
bliss
bar exam is over.
it's a lovely temperate day in minneapolis.
i'm sitting at a fabulous coffee shop called muddy waters caffeine canteen. tom waits is on. i just had a delicious sandwich and am working my way through a pint glass full of coffee. on my key ring is a set of keys to my new, lovely, sunlit apartment. it features, among other things, a murphy bed (for real, i'm not even kidding), and fabulous built-in glass-front cabinetry. and cool tenants.
tonight i get to hang out with lovely people before starting on the long journey back in the morning. lunch will be at a diner in madison, wi.
blisssssssssssssss.
Current Mood:  happy
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10:05 pm
[Link] |
huh.
so that was the bar exam, eh?
not that i want to take it again. for any reason. but honestly? it would be ok if i had to. that was so not as scary as half of what i went through in law school.
gotta say, this has been a delightful week all things considered. and now i am to bed because omg belly full of pho and not nearly enough sleep in a week.
oh yeah and those 200 multiple choice questions. i couldn't actually read by the time i finished.
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07:32 pm
[Link] |
<3
i've been in st paul for less than 24 hours and already my random life decision is making so much sense. in addition to several other quite lovely things, i just went down to the hotel fitness room but it was full, so i went out for a run instead. i'm staying really close to the river, and of course there was a lovely bike/pedestrian path alongside it. sunshine, big boats, random kayaker, and everyone i passed was friendly.
sigh.
i figure if i can feel this positively about the place 14 hours before the bar exam starts, it's got something.
Current Mood: content
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12:52 am
[Link] |
...
i should have been asleep hours ago.
in not that many hours i will leave to drive to minneapolis. it's a long trip that i'm looking forward to.
i just got stuck reading through old entries and realizing how very very much i need a break. the amount of stress and anxiety going back months and months is heartbreaking. i guess this is why i don't care that much about the bar exam; i'm just not capable of taking any of this seriously anymore. i just want to move on.
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10:33 pm
[Link] |
look at my new chairs
let me show you them: http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/apa/1256164313.html
(the cushy leather chairs made of swivelly awesomeness)
no, that's not my apartment. but mine is similar, just bigger.
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11:32 pm
[Link] |
end of an era
so i should be asleep. and i will be soon.
a week from today, i sit for an exam that i feel terrifyingly unprepared for. this is my own fault. and if i fail, the thing i will regret is having spent the summer feeling uneasy without either getting my shit together and studying OR getting my shit together and deciding not to do this right now. i chalk it up to three years of hellish brainwashing finally wearing me down to a point where i'm really afraid of not at least mimicking the herd (i couldn't actually afford to follow the herd into bar review classes, nor could i stomach the idea of another loan just to do so). in any event, once that two-day ordeal is over, i will be hanging out in my new town of residence, exploring and running errands until i meet with my new property manager for a walk-through and a lease signing. i'll be back in MI for just above a week, then the rents are driving out here and we will hook up a trailer to my dad's car and drive off into the sunset.
there are many things about this process that are new and different for me. i'm excited and terrified at the same time. i put down a deposit on an apartment i've only seen a few pictures of, trusting my instincts and the advice of friends who used to live nearby. i can't actually afford to live there a few months from now unless i get income. i realize that this is not insurmountable. i also have no problem with the idea of being a barista or a bartender or somesuch until i figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i'd rather sit on the floor (or on my new super-awesome cushy leather chairs courtesy of my property manager) eating ramen than work 80 hours a week knowing there's nothing at work but dread. which brings me to the other thing. i've gotten rid of a lot of furniture already, and now it looks like we'll be hitching a trailer to my dad's truck because it's way cheaper than renting a truck and trying to get my car and the truck to MN. so i'm ditching more. and it's not like i'm getting rid of really nice things or that i have any real emotional attachment to them. it's just that it's stuff i've had for years, and while it will be fun to replace them when i can afford it, it feels weird to be starting over with that kind of thing right now. i can't actually go out and furnish at will, so it will be like round 3 of student-style living, and maybe even more so since my parents had a lot to do with some of the things that i've been carting around since 2002. so i'll be living among freecycle cast-offs and cinder-block bookshelves at age 28 while in possession of a JD from one of the best law schools in the country. i'm not ashamed or anything like that, just bewildered.
the positive side of the lack of employment is that when i get there, i will have nothing to do for the first time in years. sure, i'll be hitting the streets and the internet, and i plan to at least volunteer in the legal field (legal aid and/or the ACLU and/or whatever else catches my fancy) if i can't get a good law job early on. but. i won't have mountains of homework and tons of activities and such. i'll get good and bored. i'll use the public library. i'll finally sort through the boxes of god knows what i've been pushing around. i'll learn how to play my guitar. i'll snuggle with my cats. i'll date. i'll watch dvds. i'll cook and run and live the most mundane and lazy life i can until i have to be somewhere again. i know it will be lonely and a culture shock, but i also think i desperately need it.
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09:34 pm
[Link] | pardon me as i have a momentary freakout along the following lines:
bar exam in slightly under 2 weeks. i have no idea how behind i am, but i am feeling very behind.
the reality of not living on loans anymore just hit me. for real.
what if i can't find a way to pay the rent? what the hell am i doing?
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05:28 pm
[Link] |
tip of the day
i'm listening to these contracts lectures that are really poorly done. today i learned that if you bring something to be repaired or serviced (like a car or jewelry) to someone who is also a merchant of that kind of thing (like a dealership) then you have no right to get that thing back if the person decides to sell it. you can only sue for conversion, which doesn't mean you get it back.
what i love is that the lecturer then goes on to say that the policy behind this is laid out on [a handout i don't have] and he summarizes it as "well you're just taking a risk they're going to sell your stuff, that's why the rule exists." um. that doesn't strike me as a policy reason so much as a description of a fucked-up rule.
i hate. the law.
also i'm glad that i didn't fork over the $4500 that actually taking this course would have cost.
fuckers.
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09:27 pm
[Link] |
juggling
while it's possible for me to have more uncertainty in my life, it's really not probable.
knock wood. etc.
check my pulse in a couple of months, then we can talk.
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12:03 pm
[Link] |
the nerdiness continues...
WB: one minute - have you heard this thing about jennifer granholm being a pick for scotus?
me: i thought it was
not a joke exactly
but
not serious
is it?
WB: well, NPR is putting her as a "front runner"
me: wow
that's pretty awesome
i like her
i don't know a lot about her but i feel like she cares about things and she has a really shitty job that she does gracefully
WB: for sure - and anything would be easier than being governor of this shit show
me: i feel like it's good training for the endless shitshow that is the supreme court
esp with alito and roberts
WB: rolls eyes
WB: she would cut a bitch, i feel
WB: and there are some bitches that need a get cut
me: hahahahahaha
me: picturing congressional hearings in which someone is like "ms. granholm, are you capable of cutting a bitch?"
WB: im emailin debbie stabenow and asking her to ask that
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11:04 pm
[Link] |
and on and on
it seems like most people i know are very stressed out these days, for one reason or a hundred. myself included.
i was supposed to move out thursday, and clean up the house friday. today i bit the bullet and called my property manager to see if he thought the landlady would be cool with my leaving my stuff here for a couple of weeks after our lease was up. the next tenants won't be here til july, and it shouldn't take him more than a few days to do what he needs to do. basically it came down to this: i'm leaving for a week-long trip out of the country this saturday morning. i own most of the things in our house. and i'm still still trying to write this paper. it's not that i've managed my time particularly well - i'm fully aware of how much this is all my own fault. but it's so hard to stay motivated after 3 straight years of being perpetually freaked out and run down. today while i was buried in piles of clothes in my room, desperately trying to pack for a) the summer b) vacation and c) everything else, i had a mini freak-out in which i vividly remembered the hell i put myself through leaving buffalo. just thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach. luckily, i have the best property manager in the world. he was like "please don't worry about anything, it will be fine." but i still can't shake the freaked-out feeling. i could tell you a million psychological reasons why i'm roadblocking myself out of finishing this paper, but it still has to get done. i need to somehow force myself to do it, and then i can spend a week letting my parents pay for me to gallivant around greece. i think mostly i'm just so deeply terrified about the prospect of being completely done. once the paper is finished, there is no redeeming anything about my academic career. and i have to face up to being unemployed aside from some part-time work i scrounged up for the next couple of months.
i know that in the end, things will work out. if i can accomplish all that i have, then i can do this. but i am just so tired.
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01:44 am
[Link] |
huh
ok so it's 1:44am on sunday morning. about 25 minutes ago i got home from a house party across town being held by some of my classmates to celebrate today's ceremony. and my brain is all over the place.
when i first started planning for law school, i saw it as a period of time that i would "take off" from my life. i expected to hate it. i just decided that it was worth a little suffering to earn such a valuable tool. what i didn't count on was that i would not only build a life here in this silly little artificial town, but that my life in general would charge full speed ahead just like it always has.
since moving away from buffalo i have represented a client in court, visited a client in prison, edited a supreme court filing, worked in the financial district of new york city, and run an academic symposium. i ran a marathon, lived in new york, moved to a new state for the first time, learned a lot about dating and relationships, cut my hair short, and made many many awesome friends. when i came here, i was at the end of the first stage of the long process of finding myself and figuring out who i am under all the angst and anxiety of high school and college. while i have frequently questioned my decision on some level, i can honestly say that leaving and challenging myself is why i was able to do everything i have done. i am a different person. not necessarily better. just different.
this is terrifying. just a couple of months of bar study and we will all scatter to the winds. this built-in network will disappear. and while i've been playing college student for 3 years, it seems like most people i know have gotten married or are on their way to it. they're having kids, buying houses. it's not that those are things that i particularly want. it just feels like part of my life *has* been put on hold.
ok time for bed. i just needed to work out some of what was going on in my mind....
Current Mood:  indescribable
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12:12 am
[Link] |
this is it
a half-assed paper stands between me and my JD.
i wanted this thing to be publishable, but i need to lower my standards and just write something so i can fulfill these last two credits.
a good night's sleep and it's ON.
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09:33 am
[Link] | so i've been using this diet/exercise/lifestyle tracking and community website thing called sparkpeople, and i'm completely in love with it. you can track food you eat and it has pretty much anything you'd ever want to record, then it tells you how you're doing in terms of fat/protein/carbs and other nutrients, and what you should focus on. if you want, it will develop exercise routines for you, including streaming videos of strength exercises and cardio. there are teams and email, so you can post to message boards or email people for advice. there is a place to find and exchange recipes. and on and on. all free. it's a little bit like facebook for fitness and weight loss.
it's been 3 weeks since i started back on the healthy living bandwagon, and i've lost 7 lbs.
at least i have control over something right now...
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01:18 pm
[Link] | accomplished:
2 exams
1 bar application
lost 5.5 lbs in 3 weeks
regular exercise
still to go:
2 exams
paper (or drop the class)
28 more lbs to lose
12 min/mile pace for the upcoming half marathon
trudge trudge trudge.
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04:08 pm
[Link] |
oh john fluevog, inspiration for countless hours of schu-lust
thank you for running out of these in my size: http://www.fluevog.com/code/?w=sale&pp=1&view=detail&p=8&colourID=2417
there is only so much temptation a girl who is already $150k in debt can stand.
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03:36 pm
[Link] | in michigan, "that month" = "the only thing we do"
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/042609/construction-schedule.gif
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10:51 am
[Link] |
PSA
i'll be staying in the deuce this summer, at least til the beginning of august. where i head afterward is still very unclear.
we're moving to a house closer to downtown, and we'll have crash space for stumbling home from bars. i expect this will happen with some frequency. let the lack of law school commence! (after graduation of course)
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02:35 am
[Link] | good day.
good night.
many endorphins.
sunshine.
walking.
running.
the bang.
dancing.
sweat.
leggings.
a reconciliation of sorts.
so time for sleep.
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